May Question: What is your favorite DBA joke?
Question of the Month | May 3, 2010 | 6:32 pmPost your responses to the above SQL Aloha Question of the Month in the comments section below (at www.bradmcgehee.com if you are viewing this from a syndicated newsfeed). Please keep your jokes family friendly, and if you aren’t the author of the joke, and you know who the author is, please give the author their due credit. And don’t forget to enter your e-mail address when you post your response, so I can contact you if you win.
I’ll pick the winner that offers what I think is the most original and funny answer. The winner will be announced on this page the first week of June. Good luck!
For more information, click on the Question of the Month tab above.
| This Month’s Prizes
|
The prizes this month are an Amazon.com voucher worth US$50.00 and a license for SQL Backup Pro with one year of support and upgrades worth US$994.00. Not familiar with SQL Backup Pro? There’s lots of info on the Red Gate website, and here’s what one customer has to say:
“It achieved almost 90% data compression, and the reduction in per-GB data costs resulted in 100% ROI in just one month!” Andy Hughes, Senior SQL Server DBA |
- April Question: What’s your favorite DBA book, and why?
- November Question: What is your favorite, and not so favorite hardware to run SQL Server on?
- October Question: Tell us about your favorite experience as a participant in the SQL Server community.
- Winner of the July Question of the Month
- April Question: What advice would you offer a novice DBA in order to help them along in their career?
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A big party is being held to honor relational database systems & their impact on the modern society. Outside the venue, the host awaits the guests.
The first limousine arrives and out steps Oracle followed by 4 people
Host: Who have you brought along?
Oracle: I have 4 DBA’s in tow. One to install me, one to design the databases, one to administer me and the other to justify the cost.
A second limo arrives and out steps DB2 followed by 40 people
Host: Who have you bought along?
DB2: I have 2 DBA’s, 2 hardware specialist and 36 consultants.
A third limo arrives and out steps SQL Server all on his own.
Host: Why haven’t you brought anyone?
SQL Server: I didn’t bring anyone because I am easy to install and am basically self managing. But I did bring the #sqlhelp twitter hashtag for when the excrement hits the fan.
20 minutes later, up rushes MySQL, unshaved, hair a mess.
Host: Where have you been MySQL?
MySQL: Sorry, I thought it was February 31st
A joke in hindi…
DBA – Database Administrator
D – Din (Day)
B – Barr (Full)
A – Araam (Rest)
….
DBA: Don’t Bother Asking
DBA: Dude Be Awesome
DBA: Data Backup Avatar
This is quite popular. Google search lists multiple sources ( http://bit.ly/9OXWcu ):
“A man walks into a bar and sees two tables. Says ‘Can I join you?’”
Other versions:
“A SQL Query walks into a bar. Walks up to 2 tables and says, “May I join you?”"
“A SQL query walks into a bar. It goes up to two tables and says “Mind if I JOIN you?”"
Q1: What did the DBA say to the Developer?
A: It doesn’t matter, he wasn’t listening anyway.
Q2: What did the Developer say to the DBA?
A: It doesn’t matter, the answer was no.
How you can ask somethig to a DBA properly?
Please, Select * from BradMcGhee
On the 1st day of school, the kindergarten son of a DBA was asked what his mother did for a living. His response, “Um, I think She’s a “B”A”D”, “DBA” or something like that”. The teacher who wasn’t very computer literate said tell me more about her job. To which he replied, “Well, I’m not sure — but I think she uses a hammer a lot and is pretty clumsy — cause she makes tables — then drops them a whole lot”
This lady friend of mine is an instructor for an DBA class. One day, she is walking around the lab checking on the students.
Suddenly a student grunts, raises his hand, and calls her over.
He exclaims, “I keep putting data into my database and looking for it from another session and can’t find it.” He sighs and asks, “What gives?”
The instructor takes a peek at his session and immediately smacks the guy on the back of the head. Smirking she bitterly says, “you guys are all the same… You love to insert, insert, insert and never wanna commit!”
What if Apple made Sql Server ?
· Management Studio would look a lot more colourful with bigger buttons.
· You would only be able to run one query at a time against the database. However, instead of this being a limitation, it would be marketed as a “feature” that guarantees great performance of that query.
· If you needed to change a configuration setting on the server ( eg. By using SP_CONFIGURE ), you wouldn’t be allowed to. You’d have to call in an Apple Tech guy to come in and do it for you.
· Custom Data Types ( which we’ve had in SQL Server for a while now ) wouldn’t be allowed. You would have to use what you get with the product.
· A big one – when extracting data using “SSIS” , you would only be able to pull data from an Apple DB server to another, and via it’s own tool only. No connecting to anything else like MS, Oracle or DB2 .Won’t be allowed. Sorry.
· In fact it would be a closed platform period. You won’t be allowed to export data to CSV or flat files.
· You won’t be allowed to install any additions not approved by Apple. So if you wanted an extra Dundas chart control for Reporting Services , Steve Jobs must give the OK first.
· When you install Apple’s Sql Server ( iDB ? ) , you will be forced to install Quicktime and Safari. If you remove these from your server , the DB stops working.
I saw this one in http://thavash.spaces.live.com/blog/
Why do DBAs often confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
sp underscore
sp underscore who?
spid1, spid2, spid3….
(I found this here:http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/davidm/archive/2004/05/27/1407.aspx)
SQL query walks into a bar, he walks up to two tables a asks. Can I join you?
A DBA goes out of his visual studio to go to the InitPub and asks for a large Table with a View. The localhost, who is also the enterprise manager here, points with his index finger: “Why don’t you join those two tables over there? “. The DBA takes a quick lookup and says, “They are looking very user friendly, but I’m not sure if they are into a union”. The localhost insists: “They are nice looking models, this is a hint”. ” Ok, ” says the DBA, “but I think they are very interested in a commit, and I am only interested in a loose connection and a little transaction. I think I’m not the type for such good looking relational model”. The localhost turns around, just saying ” Well, access with integrity” and goes on with his services. The DBA goes to the tables. ” Hello, what can i get you?” The response is a bit cold: “We like our usual ACID. But for the record, I don’t like to abort, so you’d better roll back to where you came from”. The DBA was a bit or 8 shocked by this result. “Oh! But we could have a shared memory together” he says. “how about a replication?”. ” Nope, it’s runtime for you now. Out!”
That triggers the DBA to leave immediately; he doesn’t even want to make a snapshot, and walks out. “I need to recover” he thought, “I’m standalone again, but that’s okay. Two tables? Such relation would have been one-too- many for me anyway….”
How do you spell GOD?
DBA
So, a DBA walks over to the Development group….
From xkcd
Mother gets a call from son’s school. “This is your son’s school. We’re having some computer trouble.”
Mom: “Oh dear, did he break something?”
School: “In a way. Did you really name your son ‘Robert’);DROP TABLE students; — ?”
Mom: “Oh yes. Little Bobby Tables, we call him.”
School: “Well, we’ve lost this year’s student records. I hope you’re happy.”
Mom: “And I hope you’ve learned to sanitize your database inputs.”
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
sp underscore
sp underscore who?
spid1, spid2, spid3….
(I found this here:http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/davidm/archive/2004/05/27/1407.aspx)
I always describe myself as an ‘outgoing geek’ – that’s the kind of guy that looks at *your* shoes when he’s talking to you.
I have been wanting to by a Cadillac DTS for quite sometime; but I am waiting for them to upgrade to SSIS.
How do you spell GOD?
DBA
DBA = Default Blame Acceptor
The question of the month has now ended, and the winning entry can be found here.